Thursday, April 21, 2011

Changing my alignment...

Written 4/20/11

Just what does one do to fill up their time when they are not working an 8 to 5 job?  Well, if you are anything like me, you will certainly find things to fill it up pretty quickly.  I can say, with relief, that I am enjoying not having to set an alarm for 5:30am, only to hit snooze until 6am, still exhausted from a restless sleep.  However, I am still setting an alarm…most days…in order to pursue the things that I am passionate about, that bring me a sense of fulfillment, that allow me to align myself more and more with who God says I am.

I have the privilege of being part of one of the most amazing churches!  After a dinner tonight with 3 amazing women of God, I continue to see confirmation of the reasons I was brought to Chicago.  Talking with them about ministry, about pursuing God, and about fighting for destinies corporately and personally further fanned the flame of passion stirring in me to see all that God will do with me, with my friends, with my church, with this city, etc.  I get the privilege of investing my time and my energy into many different things at this church and I am so grateful for every opportunity to do so.

Approximately 6 to 8 months ago, I started seeing (or rather, frantically tried to turn the channel so as not to see) a rash of horror/thriller/enemy-centered movies come out.  Quite honestly, this upset me greatly.  I found myself in my kitchen one day talking to God about it and tearfully expressing to Him that I didn’t understand why these movies were so popular.  I was angry that the enemy was using dirty and counterfeited tactics through media to trick people into believing that these dark themes would be somehow entertaining.  I cried out to God saying that I didn’t understand why movies glorifying Him weren’t more popular than anything else.  I started talking about it with friends, and specifically one filmmaker friend of mine who had already been developing ideas for a revival-focused film.  Today, I am honored to be able to assist him in doing some of his PR/promotional work.  I get the honor of putting my energy where my mouth is where God is concerned and I get to help a good friend with a great documentary that will glorify my Heavenly Father and ignite revival fires.

I used to write when I was young….all the time….songs, short stories, poetry.  I loved writing.  It released me from my feelings and allowed me to be creative.  When I was 13 or 14, I would sit at my dad’s typewriter in his office and start my autobiography.  I probably started it a couple of times on a couple of occasions before throwing out the crumpled up start to my story, telling myself that no one would want to read the autobiography of a teenager who had never really done anything.  Then, I started my pursuit of substances and stopped most of my creative outlets altogether, telling myself I wasn’t talented.  I shut it all down, period.  When I came to Chicago, I had the belief that I had absolutely, positively no creative talent.  This was incredibly frustrating as I came from a family full of artists and was a member of one of a church FULL many, many creatives.  I received a couple of prophetic words about 7 or so months after being here regarding me writing books/programs….however, I shut the idea of this being true down thinking “I’m not a writer, I’m not creative”.  The stirring was there, and I believe now that the stirring is from God.  There is a reason that I wanted to write all the time as a kid and very recently, I have found myself drawn again to writing.  As I sit here and type this, my soul resonates with even the mere act of putting words to my thoughts and feelings.  That all said, two days prior to my decision to leave my job, I was at a friend’s house.  This friend is an amazing musician and she was playing a riff on her guitar that spoke to my spirit.  I heard a sentence in my head that fit with the music and it did not leave my head that night.  My friend emailed me the riff and the next day, I wrote the first song I had written since I was about 8 or 9 years old…a worship song.  Additionally, I had been in talks with another friend/former colleague of mine, who had seen one other piece of writing I had done at the beginning of this year, before I left my job.  These talks focused on the possibility of us writing a book together.  I am so excited and amazed to say that the decision has been made and that this possibility is now a “let’s do this thing” 

I find myself in total awe at the fact that the stirrings and dreams I had long ago have come back to the surface, that God cares and listens to my cries out to him in my kitchen, and that He knew the right church in which to place me to ensure that I would continue seeking and walking into the plans He has for my life.  As the Holy Spirit helps me to become more like Jesus, my desires and hopes continue to change.  Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Though I had seen and taken certain paths in my life, God has used those to lead me to Him, to conform my will to be more like His, and to guide me more and more into who I am becoming for His ultimate purposes.  For this, I am truly grateful.

There is more to this type of a journey for me, however…the “doing” versus “being” and the balance between the two with Him at the center, and this is something with which I have historically struggled.  To be continued in another blog post….

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